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As much as I’d love to say I’ve been a social butterfly, avidly going out with friends and socializing, I haven’t, because Seasonal Affective Disorder is real you guys. In the past, I would have tried every way to repel this mentality, but this year, I let it get the best of me, and to be honest, I have no intentions of ripping it out of my soul until the weather decides to be kinder. In casual terms, I’m depressed, and I’ve been feeding this by watching loads of heartbreaking shows like The End of  the F***ing World, Skins, and Black Mirror. When I say “depressed,” I don’t mean it in a “oh my god I hate life so much” kind of way but rather in a “I’m stagnant, I have no idea what the heck I’m doing with my life, and what is the point of doing anything when I can roll myself in a burrito and watch more painful television” kind of way.

I’ve spoken about the importance of a mental reset, but those usually involved getting out of my house, listening to happy music, and decluttering my space, but this is different. I’m sitting on my unmade bed with a heaps of clothes on my floor that have accumulated over the past three weeks, and possibly thirty empty water bottles on my dresser. I’m lazy, I’m messy, and to be frank, I don’t really care. This time it’s different, I don’t feel any need to cleanse my soul or whatever, I just want to mope around and embody the angsty teenager I was meant to be.

Perhaps this is everything boiling up from the past 17 years of my life, years in which I didn’t let myself eat pizza or ramen everyday. Perhaps this is senioritis. Perhaps this is the weather getting the best of me. Or perhaps, I just needed this in my life. I need a break, I’m not sure from what, but I just do, so I’m on a hiatus from caring, just treading a bit.

Now that I read over this, I have no clue why I even wrote this in the first place. To be honest, I haven’t really thought about anything during this period of SAD, so I apologize if this was utterly weird and maybe uncomfortable to read. It’s just what I’m feeling, gotta write these things down sometimes, man.

xx Brenda

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