An Epiphany (or a reminder)

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This whole college application process has thrown me into not only a frenzy but also a state of self-assurance, perhaps ever-so-slightly inspired by nihilism. I wouldn’t call myself a nihilist as in “oh, who cares, I’ll die anyways, nothing matters!” but some of this philosophy’s values (or lack thereof) have transcended into my own mindset. Not to be pessimistic, but none of us are getting out of life alive, it is what it is, so why do I stress so much about things that I can’t always control?

I’ve had one set dream school for as long as I could remember, and as the application deadline comes closer and closer, I freak out more and more. I had this idea that if I got rejected, my whole world would come crashing down, and I would die in a self-dug pit of devastation, and while that still holds true for the most part, deep down I know that whatever happens happens, and that’s the way things are meant to be. I could’ve done better and tried harder, but I learned from my mistakes, there’s simply no way to turn back and change the way I wish things were. But that’s life, I know I will be happy and my life will work out in whichever course nature takes it, nothing is the end of the world except the end of the world.

The whole idea of being judged through a series of numbers is undoubtably terrifying, and it has definitely impacted my emotional stability (I cried uncontrollably in a public restaurant this weekend about the Common App) but it has also changed the way I viewed my life. To some extent, I’m a control freak: it’s hard for me to throw something in someone’s hands with utmost trust. But the idea of throwing four years worth of failure and achievement to people who will determine my collegiate career has somehow assured me in that my life will unfold the way it is meant to.

Nothing is definite, and that’s okay. Right now, I have aspirations of attending my dream school and growing this blog into a business, but maybe in say, 10 years, I’m a doctor. Presently, I would never imagine myself in the medical field, but who knows? A swift change of heart could change everything and flip my world upside down, but I trust the world and its process in aligning my life with the natural course its supposed to take. When I failed in the past, I felt like well, a failure, but it also rendered a major learning process, it taught me things I’d otherwise not learn, which obviously have shaped me into who I am at seventeen years old. I need to fail, and if I do (which I will), that’s okay because that’s life, and it’s filled with failures but evidently successes.

Whether or not I get accepted into my top school, I will cry. If I get rejected, I will also cry of devastation for possibly weeks, but I also know that I will end up somewhere that I will love and adapt to, it’s not the end of the world. Besides, being stressed out about college applications is a luxury, not everyone can gain access to a higher education. I have no time to stress over things I can no longer control, I have things to do, people to meet, and dreams to fulfill, and this application process will not get in the way of my happiness and success.

x Brenda

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The digital diary of a 18 year old // fashion, beauty, music, and musings... Contact: hello@brendaliang.com

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